Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kate's LiveJournal:

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Monday, February 6th, 2006
4:54 am	all these questions i can't answer when i get where i'm going on the far side of the sky the first thing that i'm gonna do is spread my wings and fly when i get where i'm going there'll be only happy tears i will shed the sins and struggles i have carried all these years i'll leave my heart wide open i will love and have no fear yeah when i get where i'm going don't cry for me down here The world lost a good man yesterday. If you knew Mike, then you know that he was quite possibly one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. He was full of life, and laughter, and love. And he will definitely be missed. It's hard to think that we live in a world where things as senseless as this happen. And it's hard to think that someone as wonderful as Mike could be the victim of a crime so thoughtless and horrible. I can only hope that whoever did this is found and that justice is served. My prayers go out to his family, and to anyone else who has been affected by this tragedy. "Take heart, even though you find it hard to catch your breath, much less to smile. Take heart even when your sky is dark. There'll come a day the clouds will go, and you'll know once again what life can be when you feel all the joy it can bring. Take heart with each and every tear you cry. The strength you need will be yours in time. Take heart, someday's not that far away. There is a place where hope will abide, and you'll find that your heart feels deeper now, through the love that's been lost with goodbye. If only we could understand what God only knows, maybe then it would be easy letting go. But if the spirit lives forever and true love never dies, there'll always be a light in your soul. Always remember to treasure the time, so many questions with no reason why. Life passes by, so it goes." Current Mood: sad Current Music: Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
4:43 am	the more i know of boys, the more i like my dog Dear 2005, I would like to officially say goodbye to you. I wish I could say that it's been fun and I'll miss you, but that would be a big fat lie, now wouldn't it? I will say that of the years I've known, you weren't as mean as 2002, but you weren't kind either. You both started and ended with broken hearts, but thank you for the short lived fun and deception in the middle. You encouraged me to get on with it and move to Trampa, so thank you for that, because without that I would never have met Jessica (LOVE) and Tiffany (again, LOVE), and other strange and random people along the way. Thank you for exposing Matt for the selfish asshole that he is and always has been. And thank you for not letting me waste any more time trying to be friends with him or Toni the heartbreaking girl I thought I knew. Thank you for a solid year without a car accident, I greatly appreciate that, because 2004, the year of hit and runs, was no fun. But let's not drag this out... I officially say goodbye to you 2005, the year of endings, beginnings, more endings, heartbreak, one night stands, cowboy boots for everyone, life changing decisions, second guessing, drunk dialing, "He's Just Not That Into You", freedom, bisexuality, psychotic episodes, politically correctness, mobile hair salons, the nicotine club, perverts, fuckwits, old men, coming out, fart parties, karaoke chaos, 30k+ miles driven, getting lost, being lost, and just generally feeling lost. You were good, but not good enough. Au Revoir, 2005. Gros bisous, et ne retournes pas, s'il te plait. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
3:48 am	there was no where else to go i feel like an idiot. naive and confused and stupid and just like... well. an idiot. i did a really stupid thing recently, and now i'm paying for it. it was my own fault, i know that. hindsight is 20/20 and the message is coming in loud and clear now. 'kate, you're an idiot. don't do that again. furthermore, stop doing things like that all together.' looking at life, specifically mine, i realize things. i make very bad decisions. and not infrequently. regularly, in fact. i expect too much from people sometimes (unintentionally), and that may be because i hold them to standards that i hold myself to. i pick the wrong men. self-centered, unavailable, it's not going anywhere, treat you like dirt, emotionally bankrupt, immature, unintelligent, selfish, only in it for sex, boring, stupid, typical men. i get involved with people knowing that i'll get hurt in the end. i let people walk all over me. i spend too much time worrying about being polite and doing nice things for people and making sure that everyone else is happy that i end up getting screwed. i put myself in bad positions. wrong place at the wrong time bad positions. awkward, nothing left to say, insert foot in mouth now bad positions. positions where i know i'll get my feelings hurt. positions where i could get physically and emotionally hurt. bad. i hold back from saying things that i want to say, that i ought to say, that i need to say. i don't like to hurt or upset anyone else or make them feel awkward. i end up bottling everything up inside sometimes until i feel as though i might explode. i don't like to put my emotions on the line. i don't cry in front of people. i can count on one hand the number of people who've seen me break down and really cry. i take things for granted. tomorrow marks my least favorite holiday of the year. new year's eve. hate it, always have. but this year, i find it a good time for a change. a life makeover if you will. it's time to start living. six years until doomsday, and i plan on enjoying them. as of sunday, i live for me. i make decisions based on what's best for me, not you. i will no longer be the one you call when you're lonely and all the other girls said no. i won't be your toy. if you're not treating me right then i have nothing to do with you. i won't be there for you if in the past you flaked on me to hang out with someone else. if you've made me feel that i'm unimportant to you then consider the feeling mutual. you won't make me feel guilty for who i am. i won't waste any more time wondering what might have been. and i definitely won't waste any more time wishing you liked me more, or wanted me, or felt the same way, or wondering if it was something i did. i know that i'm a good person, and i shouldn't need you to validate that. i know that i'm funny, cute, amicable, sweet, a good singer, confident, an excellent cook, a good friend, intelligent, intellectual, interesting, and damn fun to be around. i could one day be the best thing that ever happened to you. but if you're too busy focusing on your career, your car, your drinking habit, your ex girlfriend, your new boyfriend, your drug addiction, your degree, or whatever else it is, to not notice or care that i'm making an effort to get to know you/be around you/be with you/et al, then call me when you get your head out of your own ass. time is a precious thing to waste and i'm tired of wasting mine on dead ends, dead horses, assholes, and fakes. welcome to 2006. i hope it's a good year for you. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Amos Lee (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
12:45 am	please forgive me if i act a little strange... ok, so excuse the rant. but i am so sick and fucking tired of listening to all of this relationship bullshit. i'm OVER IT. no, i don't want to hear about the wonderful things bob did for you this past week, and no i don't want to listen to you complain about how fred is acting like a dick. fred probably is a dick. and NO, i don't want to hear all the mushy details about how wonderful your new relationship is with dave. or mikey. or steve. or whoever. I don't care! i don't! and i don't want to sit and analyze why william hasn't called you today when he told you he would call! and i don't want to talk about why he acted the way he did last night or what he meant when he said _______. and yes, i am single, and you may call me bitter and angry. because i can be bitter and angry. but i am just sick and tired of all this fucking coupledom. i don't give a shit, ok? every once and a while i am HAPPY to help you out with your relationship problems or talk about how wonderful bob is. but NOT EVERY DAY. STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE. AND STOP MAKING OUT AT THE DINNER TABLE WHILE I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU. you see each other every FUCKING day. and oh my GOSH, you didn't talk to him for three hours? you must be dying. SHUT UP!!!!!! retain your fucking independence PLEASE. you used to have a life, do you remember that? you used to care about everyone else and their lives too, and not just yourself and phillip and how blissfully boring you are. wake up and realize that everyone does not want to hear about it ALL THE TIME. there are other things to talk about. please please please remember that every once and while. take a breath, get your head out of junior's ass, and realize that the rest of the world does still exist. AGGGHHHH. ok. i'm done. thank you for your time. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Are You Happy Now*-*Michelle Branch (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
4:14 am	a slight blow to my confidence. much to my dismay, i have just discovered that along with losing weight last year, i also lost a cup size. yes. that is correct. i have been wearing the wrong bra size for almost a year now. and yes. that is correct. i am no longer a 34B. i am now a 34A, possibly a 34AA if i'm measuring correctly. ouch. itty bitty tittie committee? oh yes, i am the president. i want a second opinion. = | Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Home*-*Michael Bublé (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
4:01 am	Would you please lend me your ear? I am ready for love, why are you hiding from me? I'd quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity. I am ready for love, all of the joy and the pain, and all the time that it takes just to stay in your good grace. Lately I've been thinking maybe you're not ready for me. Maybe you think I need to learn maturity. They say watch what you ask for, cause you might receive. But if you asked me tomorrow I'd say the same thing. I am ready for love. Would you please lend me your ear? I promise I won't complain. I just need you to acknowledge I am here. If you gave me half a chance I'd prove this to you. I will be patient, kind, faithful, and true to a man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world, and thinks with his heart. I am ready for love. If you'll take me in your hands. I will learn what you teach, and do the best that I can I am ready for love, here with an offering of my voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind. Tell me what is enough to prove I am ready for love? Current Mood: drained Current Music: I Am Ready for Love*-*India.Arie (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
5:38 am	Probably wouldn't be this way "Got a date a week from Friday with the preacher's son. Everybody says he's crazy, I'll have to see. I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came. I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves. I'm probably going on and on, it seems I'm doing more of that these days. I probably wouldn't be this way. I probably wouldn't hurt so bad. I never pictured every minute without you in it. Oh you left so fast. Sometimes I see you standing there. Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch. Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much. God give me a moment's grace, cause if I'd never seen your face, I probably wouldn't be this way. My momma says that I just shouldn't speak to you. Susan says that I should just move on. You oughta see the way these people look at me. When they see me round here talking to this stone. Everybody thinks I've lost my mind, but I just take it day by day. I probably wouldn't be this way. I probably wouldn't hurt so bad. I never pictured every minute without you in it. Oh you left so fast. Sometimes I see you standing there. Sometimes I feel an angel's touch. Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much. God give me a moment's grace, cause if I'd never seen your face, I probably wouldn't be this way... I probably wouldn't be this way. Got a date a week from Friday with the preacher's son. Everybody says I'm crazy, I guess I'll have to see." Current Mood: sad Current Music: Probably Wouldn't Be This Way*-*LeAnn Rimes (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
11:00 pm	VIOLA FOR SALE ( VIOLA FOR SALE ) Current Mood: blank Current Music: I Hate Everything About You*-*Three Days Grace (Comment on this)
Friday, May 6th, 2005
5:00 am	Questions, questions... LJ friends asked me these questions months ago, and I've finally gotten around to answering them. So here you go guys... ( My life on paper ) Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Howie Day - Collide (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
7:02 pm	wow. Isn't it just one of the best feelings when your ex-boyfriend calls and gives you that, 'i'm so sorry, i can't believe i let you go, i shouldn't have treated you that way, blah blah blah... can i come over so we can talk about this?' line? And yes, I know it's his way of sucking up so he can come over and try to get in my pants. But the "I miss you" part of his speech and the "no one was as good to me as you were" part made me feel pretty good. And that instead of going to a bar last night and trying to pick up a girl, he thought of me (we ran into each other last week at a party... there was a lot of, "you're looking good" talk, you know). Anyway. Yes, I let him come over. And yes. It was worth it. Especially the knowledge that I don't have to call him today, tomorrow, or ever for that matter. And he already called me this morning after he left to say that we should go to dinner sometime.... Hah, right. Ahhhhh to be the one holding the cards.... Whatever, I'm a dirty dirty ho. I know this. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: Barracuda*-*Heart (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
5:00 am	idea stolen from a very wise one.... + making more than 40 bucks at work - credit card payment past due (oh well... there's always next month) + moving to FL! yay! - 3 months until the move, boo. + seeing Kim L (at 7-11) for the first time in almost a year) + moving on, deciding to not be his whipping girl anymore + having the strength to walk away. - the feeling that i'm losing a friend -/+ realizing that he was never really a friend to begin with - having to deal with working together on saturday.... should be interesting... maybe not...who can tell? - roommates borrowing and then fucking up my printer and deciding not to say anything to me about it + the knowledge that i don't have to live with them for that much longer + assante's pizza being open until 3am EVERY DAY --- not getting to see my family these last few days + quality time with emmy - best friend not seeming to understand/want to talk about anything but herself and what's going on with her and her boyfriend. - not being able to afford a wax lately... boo + getting hit on at 7-11 by vcu cutie + dance party in my room + finding an indoor shooting range in chesterfield. holla ok... that's enough. going for a drive now. it's car karaoke time. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Daniel Bedingfield - Girlfriend (Comment on this)
4:25 am	10 habits I need to break Habits to break: 1. Smoking 2. Sleeping allllll day. (seriously... 14 hours a day is too much) 3. Letting people walk all over me. 4. Spending money on things I don't need. 5. Listening to people bitch and whine all the time. 6. Falling for assholes and letting the good ones slip by. 7. Being an emotional masochist. 8. Being a slob. 9. Drinking coke like it's water. 10. Letting people tell me what they think I should do. Well, really, letting Honey tell me what she thinks I should do. Things all of us need to do instead: 1. Practice what we preach. 2. Say what you mean, dammit! Stop saying what you think people want to hear! 3. Be gut wrenching honest, even if it means upsetting someone a little... atleast you were honest. And that's more respectable. 4. Live every day. 5. Enjoy life for what it is... beautiful. 6. Love everyone for who they are. 7. Practice random acts of kindness. 8. Tell people how you really feel. 9. Be healthier all around. 10. Do what makes YOU happy. Everything/everyone else will follow. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Ari Hest - A Fond Farewell (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
2:24 am	i think that made my life. the coolest thing happened to me at hannah's party the other night (besides my ex boyfriends fighting over me... hahaa, that was funny). this dude and i had been talking all night, and i got ready to walk into another room and this is what proceeded to take place: dude: hey, what tribe are you from? me: excuse me? dude: what tribe are you from? me: (confused look) dude: don't even try to fuck with me. i know you're native american. i can tell by your bone structure/facial features/etc. with that hair and those eyes and all. i mean come on, you're gorgeous too. me: (embarassed now) thanks. =) i'm cherokee. dude: I KNEW it! me too. me: (huge smile... then walked away) you may not understand why it made me so happy, but it did. with this warm and tingly and happy all over feeling. anyway. i'm still happy about it, and this happened like, 4 days ago. so anyway. i'm a feather, not a dot. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Winding Road, Bonnie Sommerville (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
3:19 am	I realize I realized tonight that he'll never want me again the way I want him to. And thinking about it last night, I almost feel like it's my fault even though I know it's not. If only i'd been more affectionate when I had the chance, if i'd told him more when i had the chance... if this, if that. More than anything else though, I miss what we used to be. Even after the heartache and the tears and the fights. When all was said and done, even when he was with her, he was still basically mine. And until tonight, he was still basically mine. And both of us knew it. But tonight, seeing the way they were together, it's all over. It's all done. it's finished and it only just started for them tonight. And I hate myself for being upset and being jealous, but there was still always that little part of me that felt like I would know him the best until I wasn't here anymore... that I would be his closest girl until I left. There was still that little part of me that hoped that maybe one day before I left we'd be the way we were once more... if even for an hour. And I didn't want to have to feel this way again. And it's not fair that I should feel this way... he should feel this way. but he doesn't, does he. He'll say that he does until he's blue in the face, but it's all a game, he doesn't really mean it. And now I understand. maybe now I can truly move on, maybe now i'll be able to sleep again, and to live again. A little cracked and tarnished, but stronger now than before. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: The Long Day Is Over*-*Norah Jones (Comment on this)
3:10 am	For this evenings performance... I'm wasted.. and a little disappointed and lonely (i'm convincing myself it's just the alcohol)... but this makes me feel worlds better right now... ( I've learned... ) Current Mood: drunk Current Music: The Scientist*-*Coldplay (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 7th, 2005
9:08 pm	holla i feel technologically advanced today... i finally put pictures of myself on livejournal and i updated my pictures on myspace! you can check me out at www.myspace.com/pattersonk (see, i got my own url too!) anyway. now i'm bored, and going to Penny Lane to socialize. hit me up on the cell if you want to hang out. -kate Current Mood: productive Current Music: Tru Calling in the background (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 4th, 2005
5:15 am	i should be sleeping list of the day... ( Read more... ) Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
4:53 am	yeah yeah i know, i'm horrible... but i gotta say it.... this feels so fucking good. soo i'm out with my friend john earlier, and we're talking about matt, b/c he and matt and julie (our amazing bartender friend) went out last night (i would've gone, but i didn't know she had the night off) and john's like, I have to tell you something, but you can't tell him i told you this, b/c then i'd feel like i betrayed him, blah blah blah... anyway, they all get together monday night and the first words out of julie's mouth are "where's kate? i love that girl. why isn't she here?" and john's like, i dunno, i saw her earlier, i think she's with her parents... anyway, later on the night they all get to talking about me and julie says 'matt, why aren't you guys dating? you are so cute together, and she's so sweet, etc etc....' and julie goes to the bathroom... while she's there matt and john are talking about me and john's like, so yeah how's that going between the two of you, the whole friendship thing, and the melanie thing... are things working out ok?... and matt says, yeah i guess man.. i dunno, i just feel like a jerk, (cause things with melanie aren't exactly what he expected i guess...) and john's like, why? and matt says, 'cause man.. i think i made a horrible mistake... i mean, i'm pretty sure i made the wrong decision" MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA (but shh... you can't tell matt that i know) anyway...i'm so fucking excited that he told john... apparently they talk about it a lot (and of course i know cause john's loyalties are and will always be to me (wifey))... but whatever. i just can't wait to make him fucking squirm on thursday.... muah hah hah... but for now i will continue to be the amazing, fun, hilarious, beautiful, girlfriend turned friend... also known as the-one-who-got-away-and-will-proceed-to-make-you-wish-you'd-thought-out-that-decision-more. to quote napoleon dynamite... "IDIOT" hahahahahaha p.s. i know it's mean to play with him, and when it comes down to it i wouldn't ever do anything to really hurt him... i just wanna make sure he REALLY knows what a mistake he made. but no, seriously... i'm not going to jeopardize his overall happiness or anything... maybe just fuck with his head a little bit... just a little..... ((evil laugh)) Current Mood: predatory Current Music: Non Photo-Blue*-*Pinback (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
7:28 am	Omission is betrayal If we shared our lives together, why didn't we share our lives? You shouldn't have to tell me everything, but why wouldn't you want to? Unless there's someone else you're waiting for. Someone who isn't afraid to tell you that the past isn't the past... I was afraid to be honest with you, with myself, because if I were to be honest, gut wrenching honest, then I'd have to admit that we weren't right the way you guys are. Were we? I get it now. Everything about the situation. About the heartache and why it happened and why he acted the way he did. I get it. And yeah, it still hurts, and I'm sure it will for a while. And yeah, I'm upset. And yeah, it sucks. But if you never get hurt and you're never broken then you can never truly appreciate being happy and being whole. Who am I trying to kid? A clean break is easier, you can reset it and it heals and you move on, but if you leave things messy or things don't get put right, then it just hurts forever. It's really time for me to move away from him, from all this. I don't even know who he is anymore. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: I Will Never Be The Same*-*Melissa Etheridge (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
2:17 am	it's been one of those days. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: The Blower's Daughter*-*Damien Rice (Comment on this)